Chapter 1: Where it all began...

​For years now, I haven't given myself or let anyone else have my full attention because I let myself believe I wasn’t worthy of love. Ever since (let’s call this man Mr. Mystery,) I have pushed myself away from the idea of love and have yet to allow myself to be vulnerable with another human-being. 

I am starting this series as an open diary to allow others to see that we all go through our own traumas. I don’t even know if this is considered a trauma, but in my mind, it has stalled my growth and until today, I’ve let it weigh on me through so many monumental moments of my life. Moving forward, I’m hoping that talking about this will allow me to push aside the voice inside my head that stops me from finding love and giving others a chance to be close to me, especially when it comes to vulnerability and trust. 
 
My freshman year of college was a rough one. Within the first three months of classes, I lost my aunt to her battle of cancer and within twenty-four hours of her death, one of my best friends committed suicide. Needless to say, I wasn’t doing very well and there came a point where I questioned if college was even meant for me because I couldn’t get my head in the game. I started searching during this time. I didn’t know what I was searching for but looking back on it now, I was searching for the companionship I lost in the two people who suddenly weren’t in my life anymore. Being that I was lost and didn’t know how to properly grieve, I did what any single girl my age was doing and downloaded a bunch of dating apps. I know this was during a time that everyone believed in stranger danger, but I never once thought a person on the internet could be cruel therefore, I trusted people. To this day, I’ve met two of my best friends online. Meeting someone local to go on a date seemed a lot easier than obtaining a friendship thousands of miles away so I felt like I didn’t have anything to lose. 
 
This was where it all went wrong. 
 
I can’t specifically remember where I meant Mr. Mystery, but I think it was on POF, which stood for plenty of fish. You would think this would be a red flag for me, but that was eight years ago and red flags didn’t exist. His profile picture was super blurry but it was (I now know) a photo stolen from the internet of a cowboy wrestling a steer. At the time, I believed it was him. When we moved from the dating app to texting back and forth, I was so excited. I was a girl that never received a lot of attention from boys growing up. Sure, I was asked out a handful of times, yet I never clicked with anybody, and my parents always told me I had to focus on school. This was my first opportunity to jump into the dating pool, especially with someone I didn’t go to school with for the past eighteen years. It was fresh and new and a thrill I can’t describe. It was appalling that a guy was interested in me for me especially because he checked off all of my boxes. 
 
I can’t say I had a strong relationship with Jesus at this time. I did just lose two important people in my life and was pondering all of the possibilities as one does when they experience grief that close to home for the first time. I did know I believed in Jesus, but I did not know Him as I do now. With that being said, I thought, wow, here’s this man that is everything I wanted and Jesus is sending him to me to help ease the pain I’m experiencing. I didn’t know Mr. Mystery well, but I let myself dream up every scenario I could which led me to believe I could trust him. I truly believed Jesus was sending me the greatest gift. 
 
Over the next couple of weeks, Mr. Mystery and me texted like crazy. I learned he had a strong relationship with his family, was an animal science major (specializing in poultry) and loved being outdoors. Or so he said. He also said he was a God-fearing Christian man who loved animals and wanted a lot of the same things in life that I wanted. I was over the moon! We had planned a date, but that didn’t work out so we started Skyping. I had to know he was real, right? Only problem was when we Skyped, he never turned on the sound or spoke. I should’ve run here, but my feet seemed to be cemented to the ground. Soon enough, this became normal. In between classes and family gatherings, we would spend our nights on Skype looking at each other and typing back and forth in the chat box. I was happier than I had ever been because I felt seen and finally someone I found attractive found me attractive. Being plus size, this was a real problem that I should’ve dealt with sooner, but that’s a whole other topic. I felt beautiful and I cared about nothing else. It was all working out for me. 
 
That was until I realized I was falling too fast for someone I didn’t even know…