​It’s eye opening how we let people of our past come back into our lives so easily when in reality, we shouldn’t be tempted by the idea, especially if they’ve wronged us. Big didn’t choose Carrie. He never truly chose Carrie. I get that sometimes you have feelings for someone that is unlike all the others. That there’s a vibe or a love there that will never be broken, but that feeling allows the past to come back in and hurt us all over again. Why give up current happiness for the chance of rekindling a lost flame? Are we afraid of never being satisfied or are we afraid of settling? I have found myself in this position before and I let him in. Fortunately for me, I wasn’t giving up someone to have him back, but he hurt me all over again and I let him do it without second thought. People don’t change. We are created as we are and that is who we are. If someone lies, they’ll lie again. If someone cheats, they’ll cheat again. The only person we can be accounted for is ourselves. We can fix ourselves but we can’t fix other people. Carrie didn’t care that Big chose Natasha time and time again. Carrie didn’t care that she could’ve settled down and had a beautiful love story with Aiden. (I know their time comes around again,) but for the rest of Aiden’s life, he would have the voice in the back of his head that reminds him that Carrie cheated on him. A lot of people didn’t pick Aiden, but I did and maybe growth means that we see the Aiden’s of the world instead of the Bigs. Or maybe growth is choosing Big because we’re scared of letting him go. Love can do crazy things to sound people. What does love do to you? 

Mr. Mystery was a peculiar guy. I could never quite put my finger on what was going on with him. He texted me every day for the most part, but texting him wasn’t as easy as it should’ve been. I was quick at responding because I respect the idea of if you are talking to someone and you aren’t actually busy, you should give them the attention they deserve. I don’t appreciate wasting people’s time or leading them on. Mr. Mystery was the opposite. He was not quick at responding. For years after this ended, I allowed myself to think that if a guy took forever to respond, it wasn’t because he was toxic, it was simply because he was that busy or not on his phone, however as we all know, we live in an era that phones are in our hands more than anything else. He was slow at responding to me because he wasn’t that interested and or was seeing another person during this time. While the texts were a short coming, if it involved a virtual “date” over Skype that night, you best bet that he was prompt and on to me if I so happened not to text back right away. 
 
As I sit here and write this, I am cringing at these moments and they only get worse. 
 
Finally, after about two months of texting and Skyping, and don’t ask me how he asked because those details are blurred, I agreed to meet up with Mr. Mystery. I remember I was home at my family’s ranch when I got the text asking if I wanted to go out or something of that nature. Of course, I said yes. From what I remember, I was in the middle of the north pasture at sunset, opening a gate for my dad while he was feeding cattle, yet I was completely oblivious to what was going on around me because the questions of “what am I going to wear” and “how do I do my makeup” entered my mind. The whole build-up to this is too fuzzy, but I do remember meeting him at a Lowe’s parking lot after dark because he wanted to go to a park that I wasn’t familiar with. You would think this would be enough of a red flag to warn me from going to meet up with a man I didn’t know in the middle of the woods at night. Looking back on this, I could’ve definitely died and it would’ve been my fault. I watch a lot of true crime these days and I’m just thankful I didn’t get my head cut off, however that night he did end up taking my dignity. 
 
When I pulled into the parking lot, he drove over to me and awkwardly hugged me before getting back into his truck and leading the way. I called my best friend at the time and screamed about how cute he was to her because I wasn’t catfished. I should’ve been giving her my location, but instead I was giving her the 411 on his appearance and his scent. 
 
When we pulled into the driveway of this park, I knew where I was but I didn’t tell him that. My mom’s best friend lived right down the road, and I used to walk to that park all of the time with her son. I just didn’t know where the parking lot was and kind of thought he was joking when he asked to meet there in the dark. Nonetheless, here we were at like 8pm in a vacant gravel parking lot with nothing to do. I will admit, this “date” was initially cute. We sat on the tailgate of his truck for a while talking and eventually, he asked me to dance. I remember it being an Alan Jackson song, but I can’t remember which one. He didn’t ask if he could kiss me, he just did it and I didn’t object. Further down the line he asked me if he was my first kiss and I totally lied and told him no, but he was and if this wouldn’t have gone south, it would’ve been a great first kiss memory. Hours went by and we just kept dancing and kissing and laughing. I should’ve told him it was getting late and went home, but he took my hand and put it on top of his erection. Being that I was nineteen, I went against my better judgement and let him. It wasn’t long before we were in his backseat, and he pushed my head between his legs. Not only did I get my first kiss that night, but I forcefully gave my first blowjob with no pleasure returned. He made the comment “I feel like I should at least go buy you McDonald’s or something,” afterwards and as I type that, I finally see what that comment meant.
​Men are weird creatures, but lost men say the most unfortunate things at the most unfortunate time. It’s not hard to guess that I opened the door and raced home as quickly as I could. I felt used and never wanted to see him again. What sucked even more? I woke up sicker than I’ve ever been with some type of virus the next day. Jesus was probably trying to tell me this man was a virus in my life, but despite it all, that was not the last time I saw Mr. Mystery. If I would’ve been smart, it would’ve been. But in the end, I still believed Jesus was giving me a greater gift. 

I am starting this series as an open diary to allow others to see that we all go through our own traumas. I don’t even know if this is considered a trauma, but in my mind, it has stalled my growth and until today, I’ve let it weigh on me through so many monumental moments of my life. Moving forward, I’m hoping that talking about this will allow me to push aside the voice inside my head that stops me from finding love and giving others a chance to be close to me, especially when it comes to vulnerability and trust. 
 
My freshman year of college was a rough one. Within the first three months of classes, I lost my aunt to her battle of cancer and within twenty-four hours of her death, one of my best friends committed suicide. Needless to say, I wasn’t doing very well and there came a point where I questioned if college was even meant for me because I couldn’t get my head in the game. I started searching during this time. I didn’t know what I was searching for but looking back on it now, I was searching for the companionship I lost in the two people who suddenly weren’t in my life anymore. Being that I was lost and didn’t know how to properly grieve, I did what any single girl my age was doing and downloaded a bunch of dating apps. I know this was during a time that everyone believed in stranger danger, but I never once thought a person on the internet could be cruel therefore, I trusted people. To this day, I’ve met two of my best friends online. Meeting someone local to go on a date seemed a lot easier than obtaining a friendship thousands of miles away so I felt like I didn’t have anything to lose. 
 
This was where it all went wrong. 
 
I can’t specifically remember where I meant Mr. Mystery, but I think it was on POF, which stood for plenty of fish. You would think this would be a red flag for me, but that was eight years ago and red flags didn’t exist. His profile picture was super blurry but it was (I now know) a photo stolen from the internet of a cowboy wrestling a steer. At the time, I believed it was him. When we moved from the dating app to texting back and forth, I was so excited. I was a girl that never received a lot of attention from boys growing up. Sure, I was asked out a handful of times, yet I never clicked with anybody, and my parents always told me I had to focus on school. This was my first opportunity to jump into the dating pool, especially with someone I didn’t go to school with for the past eighteen years. It was fresh and new and a thrill I can’t describe. It was appalling that a guy was interested in me for me especially because he checked off all of my boxes. 
 
I can’t say I had a strong relationship with Jesus at this time. I did just lose two important people in my life and was pondering all of the possibilities as one does when they experience grief that close to home for the first time. I did know I believed in Jesus, but I did not know Him as I do now. With that being said, I thought, wow, here’s this man that is everything I wanted and Jesus is sending him to me to help ease the pain I’m experiencing. I didn’t know Mr. Mystery well, but I let myself dream up every scenario I could which led me to believe I could trust him. I truly believed Jesus was sending me the greatest gift. 
 
Over the next couple of weeks, Mr. Mystery and me texted like crazy. I learned he had a strong relationship with his family, was an animal science major (specializing in poultry) and loved being outdoors. Or so he said. He also said he was a God-fearing Christian man who loved animals and wanted a lot of the same things in life that I wanted. I was over the moon! We had planned a date, but that didn’t work out so we started Skyping. I had to know he was real, right? Only problem was when we Skyped, he never turned on the sound or spoke. I should’ve run here, but my feet seemed to be cemented to the ground. Soon enough, this became normal. In between classes and family gatherings, we would spend our nights on Skype looking at each other and typing back and forth in the chat box. I was happier than I had ever been because I felt seen and finally someone I found attractive found me attractive. Being plus size, this was a real problem that I should’ve dealt with sooner, but that’s a whole other topic. I felt beautiful and I cared about nothing else. It was all working out for me. 
 
That was until I realized I was falling too fast for someone I didn’t even know… 

The Ugly Truth 

A common trope that I enjoy is tension. This revolves around two people who are clearly interested in each other but spend forever bickering until one of them confesses their feelings for the other. It's a classic and I cannot get enough. The Ugly Truth is all of that plus more. I find this movie to be the modern day version of a historical romance novel named Say Yes To The Marquess by Tessa Dare. 

He's Just Not That Into You

We've all been there; liking someone or committing to someone who doesn't give you their all. This movie shows the secret obsessions individuals go through when they're trying to keep the attention of someone they like. This movie reminds me of one of my favorite reads of this year: One To Watch. Both show a woman struggling to prove to another person that they are worthy of their love, but learn they are worth so much more. 

​Isn’t it weird how we are all wired to find a significant other? Or at least isn’t weird how we think we are wired to find a significant other? Growing up, everyone judged my body by implying if I wasn’t thin, no man would ever want to date me, let alone marry me. While the latter might be true, it hasn’t been the case throughout my active dating years. Given, I haven’t dated a boatload of men, but I have found a handful that I wish a future would’ve been possible with, however, dating in modern era is like trying to keep a sinking ship above water. I’m not trying to say all men are trash, but frankly, some men are trash.

Exhibit A:

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​Why is being fat such a terrible thing? Some of us are actually happier in our skin than people who are a size zero with a modeling career. And the best part? We are actually healthy. Maybe not in definition of a BMI scale, but in terms of overall health. I’m not going to go into a heated debate over weight, or what people consider right or wrong, but I am going to address that if you are here reading this post and have something negative to say, it’s time for you to leave my page. I am a plus size advocate. I am healthy, but I admit, I could lose a significant amount of weight, which I am actively working on. This makes me nothing less or nothing more of a person than someone smaller or larger than me. 
 
In terms of dating though, I can’t say I have ever been part of the plus-size community that has been completely mortified by a guy. With dating apps, I’ve never really received the harsh criticism that other women have, but I have received a handful of rude comments. I remember an obnoxious boy once commenting on my Tinder bio which said “Yes, I’m plus size. If you can’t handle an ass that bounces back, swift left bby,” that I’m not plus-size, I am fat. When I say I laughed SO hard, I mean it. What did he think plus-size meant? I replied lightly by saying “I know I’m fat. Such a “shocker.” I’ve been on a weight loss journey for a while now and have lost a significant amount of weight already, so I’d hate to see what you’d say if you’d saw those photos. Keep on body shaming people, love. Maybe one day someone will personality shame you.” When I say this boy actually apologized and then proceeded to ask me on a date, I screamed. Who in their right mind would say yes to someone who clearly matched with you only to hurt you? Guy are SO weird sometimes. It's like whatever you say or do is wrong. Unless you're letting them hit it whenever it's convenient for them, they want no part of you, yet they expect you to be there for them when they need you but can't reciprocate the actions when you need them. 

Also, what is it with men that only want to date a fat girl if she has confidence? I’ve gained my own form of confidence over the years, but I have friends who hide in fear of their judgement because they aren’t confident in their body. I personally hate this new trend that’s been blasted on TikTok lately. It “idolizes” plus-size or curvy girls, but it’s all false advertisement. These guys say they want someone bigger, but in reality, they are only saying it on an app to grow their views. It’s kind of terrible to get on an app for entertainment and have your body type blasted for popularity. I understand that this happens to every body type, so I can’t rant too hard core on it, but why do men have to be so picky and or so rational in what they want? Does it really matter if you are plus-size or if you are thin if you can provide a happy future? If the roles were reverse, I would loveeee someone who is like me regardless of their appearance. What is the end goal of dating if it's not love? 

In all honesty, I probably wouldn’t find them on a dating app though because for a majority of the year, I’m never online. I don’t go searching for someone to make me happy. Sure, I download Tinder or Hinge in times of loneliness or desperation, but I’m a true believer that I can eventually meet someone in person. I don’t like meeting people online because the one time I did, my life was changed in a way I never wish it was. I beg of my innocent girls never to meet someone they've met online anywhere aside from a public location for at least the first three dates. Get to know that person. Sometimes they're sweeter on the outside than they are on the inside. 

My most vicious complaint within this whole topic is why can’t we go back to things like street dances and drive-in movies? Spending time with our significant others doing fun activities and being carefree. Netflix and chill is overrated. I want to do something more exciting! I am completely envious of the girls who find the good guys that will go out of their way to bring back some sense of chivalry, but because of them, I do remain hopeful.
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Overall, here's to ridding the dating apps once again and focusing on furthering my own success. I find myself happier this way. I hope if you are in this same situation that you consider allowing yourself to take a break too. I am a true believer that when the time is right, something good will happen. Until then, regardless of your size, know that in this terrible world of finding your other half, you are not alone. Dating apps are nothing but tiring platforms of swiping right, getting your hopes up and then being let down. 

Please feel free to comment any of your own personal experiences of online dating :) Or just dating in general! I'd love to hear it!