Finally Letting Go: A Testimony of Healing

The hardest part about letting go of a sin is remembering the pleasure it once gave you and feeling the flesh pull you back toward it. Temptation doesn’t vanish just because you try to distance yourself. The only way to fully let go is to hand it over to God.
I’m about to be very vulnerable.

For me, I was addicted to self-pleasing behaviors—porn and masturbation—and the sad part is, I didn’t even know it was a sin at the time. Even after I became a Christian, I convinced myself that because I wasn’t harming anyone else, it must be okay. I think a lot of us believe that when we don’t know Christ the way we were created to know Him. But while I wasn’t hurting anyone else, I was harming myself. Deep down, I knew what I was doing was wrong because guilt always lingered, yet the pleasure and the high were strong enough for me to ignore it. I began to crave desires meant for marriage, but because I didn’t know the Lord—or the gifts He created specifically for marriage—I didn’t understand that yet.

It started as an occasional mood booster, like most addictions do, and slowly became something I chased constantly—morning, night, and sometimes in between. This was not a small struggle. It lasted for years, and it progressed.

I knew internally it was wrong. It made me feel dirty. I constantly wondered, “How is your husband ever going to please you?” because I had convinced myself that a man could never satisfy me the way I could satisfy myself. I also believed I was broken, because the only way I could reach orgasm was with vibrating toys. I built this idea of adulthood around the belief that if I didn’t please myself, I would never be pleased.

Clearly, I needed Jesus. And I needed to learn that I shouldn’t desire these things outside of what God created them for. They had become an idol. I placed unrealistic expectations on a husband I haven’t even met yet, and I developed the mindset that my body existed only for my own pleasure—and in a very unhealthy way.

Ephesians 4:22 says, “Throw off your old sinful nature and your former way of life, which is corrupted by lust and deception.” I didn’t understand that verse until I finally told that fleshly desire goodbye.

Shortly after submitting my life to Christ, the conviction came—and it came fast. I started recognizing sins I had never realized were sins. Porn and masturbation were the first things God pulled from me. I honestly didn’t even notice they were gone until temptation tried creeping back in.

In those moments, I thought about Jesus—how He sees everything I do—and suddenly I couldn’t go through with it anymore. I felt ashamed that the God who created me could see how desperate I was to feel loved or to participate in the “sexual tendencies” that the world glorifies. I was ashamed of how deeply I desired that part of a relationship and how pathetic I felt for not having one.

This one struggle shaped my worldview more than I realized. Instead of desiring a family or preparing myself for marriage, I hardened a part of my heart and threw myself into creating a career I’m not even sure I’ll want forever. I love my job, and I’m thankful I get to do it every single day—but if God ever opened the door for marriage and motherhood, I would choose that in a heartbeat. 

Now I’m having to work through the walls I built. Whenever someone shows interest, I pull back. Just when I think I might let someone in, I reinforce another barrier because I’ve convinced myself, “I don’t need anyone. I’m fine alone. I can’t hurt myself. I don’t trust them. I am only responsible for me.” I’ve never allowed myself a fair chance to love someone the way God created me to.

I don’t know if marriage is in God’s plan for me, but if it is, then I have to be willing to let those walls crumble and trust Him with that part of my heart.

I was fortunate that God freed me from the addiction itself quickly once I chose Him. But even now—almost two years later—I still owned the toys I had depended on for so long.

You would think throwing them away would be easy, but I had so much shame surrounding them that I just kept them locked away, hidden in a box. I didn’t know how to dispose of them without feeling embarrassed.

Yesterday, I felt a strong urgency to get rid of them for good. The ones I could safely burn, I did—though it definitely wasn’t the safest idea. (I was outside, so don’t worry too much.) The electronic ones I wrapped discreetly and threw away before I could overthink it. Truthfully, if someone found them and somehow knew they were mine, so be it. They were mine. And just like any other garbage, they deserved to be thrown out. As I dropped them in the dumpster, I felt a weight tear away from me. This is a new beginning. A new chapter in becoming who God truly wants me to be.
When I burned the others, a thick, indescribable black smoke poured out so quickly—something I’d never seen before. After researching, I realized how toxic those materials are. In that moment, it felt symbolic, like watching the enemy be cast out of my life.

That part of me is gone.
The enemy no longer holds what I once ran to.
Even when temptation comes, the tools of the sin are gone.

God expects us to call our bodies into submission. He expects us to use our free will to choose Him.

Paul writes in Philippians 4:8, “And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise.”

And in 1 Corinthians 6:18–20 he says, “Run from sexual sin! No other sin so clearly affects the body as this one does. For sexual immorality is a sin against your own body.  Don’t you realize that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit, who lives in you and was given to you by God? You do not belong to yourself,  for God bought you with a high price. So you must honor God with your body.” 

Maybe I should have started with that context, but it ties everything together. When we pause and listen to who God is and what He is saying, our worldview shifts. Our purpose becomes clearer. Everything changes.

For two years, I’ve been able to abstain from sexual sin and from dishonoring my future husband by pleasing my own body. Now I know what it really means to save myself for marriage—to desire a partner to lean on, to be someone’s helpmate.

I want to trust someone else. I want to be responsible not just for myself, but for the family we create. I want to experience intimacy the way God designed it—to be fulfilled by my husband, not by a battery-powered substitute. I want to trust him with that part of my heart and trust God with this breakthrough.

But even more than that, I want to fully surrender myself to my Savior and honor Him with my body. I don’t want anything more than I want a relationship with Him. My joy comes from the Lord. My happiness is Jesus. My desires are fulfilled by God. Anything else He gives me is an undeserved blessing.

Do you have something you need to fully surrender to God?

Is there anything from your past that you know it’s time to release?
​
Father,
Thank You for being a God who sees every part of us and still calls us Yours. Thank You for the grace that meets us in the places we feel most ashamed and for the strength that helps us walk away from what once held us captive.
Lord, teach us to surrender the things we cling to—the desires, the habits, the fears, and the walls we’ve built for protection. Help us trust that when You ask us to let go, it’s because You are leading us into freedom.
Search our hearts, God. Reveal anything in us that keeps us from honoring You with our minds, bodies, and futures. Give us courage to release what no longer belongs in our lives and to step into the healing and identity You have already prepared for us.
For anyone reading this who is wrestling with hidden battles, remind them that they are not alone. Show them that nothing is too broken for You to restore.
Lord, make us people who choose purity, obedience, and surrender—not out of shame, but out of love for You. Let our lives be a testimony of Your power to redeem even the darkest corners of our story.
We place our desires, our bodies, and our futures in Your hands.
Make us who You created us to be.
In Jesus’ name, Amen.